EOTIP Adventure: CANOPY OF DIRTY STARS

CANOPY OF DIRTY STARS - A mid-level adventure using the P.O.O.M.A. system.

Welcome, fellow spectral conciousness, to The Blue Maw of Sparkling Awe - a multidimensional universe consisting of over six-hundred trillion planets; this adventure takes place on all of them, simultaneously.

In the lands of Shangri-La 7X through Shangri-La 5,666,200Y, a harsh reality is about to dawn on the protoplasmic civilization of the Ummak - the Great Glass Comet known as Ronin-Four is about to splashdown north of the Jellyboy Sea, and the first Shangri tribe to reach it can lay valid claim on the Racking Throne of Gruuuuuuu. You have been entrusted to find the rotten core within Ronin-Four and crush it beneath the Boot of Woe in order to ensure the Accords of Muscle and Brain are honoured for the next seven ages.

CANOPY OF DIRTY STARS is an adventure is intended for mid-level characters using the P.O.O.M.A. (Pulled Out Of My Ass) rules system. Like all actions in life measured against the grand cosmic scale, experience accumulated during this adventure is meaningless and without satisfaction.

THE VILLAGE OF YAK-YAK-ZAK

1) Front Gate
Guarded by Micro Ninja who demands payment in the form of a third dimension. Those who refuse or offend suffer 1d6 rounds of burnwhip unless offering an apology and a marriage proposal. Violet Brutes strictly turned away unless previously Absorbed by the Supreme Mind.

2) Mucky's Basement
Wrestling den catering to fighting style of the five-winds ONLY. Six shards or a single nugget of titanium required payment up front. Renegade Seemer serves watered down cane sugar juice and points patrons towards Grub, Man of Many Miles seated in the back, who happens to be looking for females to sell to the Jaguar Prince.

3) Wreck of the HMS Victory
The HMS Victory lies listed to the side here, on the eastern bank of the River of Unfathomable Joy. Shogo-Mak-Mak, the Ummak master of shadow dogs, holds the lower decks and fights off constant intrusions by the solar-powered zombies above. Cannons on the gun deck can shoot a barrage of  rainbows every 1d4 rounds.

4) Black Temple Alpha
Sentient Goo holds sermons in a dead language every hour, on the hour for the next twenty cycles. Vectorscreams and Tentacle-Walkers are the most rowdy of congregation members, though the Aaanaamis can be found mulling around in the back, their seven heads arguing amongst themselves.

5) Palace of The Grand Meow
Palace gates will only swallow those of fleet foot or stalwart spirit. Patches the Overking sits atop the Velvet Lap of Luxury, guarded by his private army of Micenstein Monsters. Decrees made daily regarding capital punishment, trade tariffs, and availability of fresh cream.

6) Stoggan's Tobaggans
Stoggan, a fresh-faced child prodigy of ten years, does not actually sell anything in his general store so much as he sizes up clients for the Colossal Butcher three towns over. Those who get too nosey in his affairs may find themselves under the watchful eyes of the Velvet Wrath.

TRAVEL TO THE JELLYBOY SEA

Journey takes 2d6 days, depending on wandering Walkers-of-Ten-Thousand-Oceans (10% chance) and frequent Incorporeal Storms (50% chance, easy save or Embarrassed for 1d4 days). Each day north of Crayfish Canyon must difficult save vs. smashing or be pounded by the Eternal Boulders of Crunched Bones; six diggers required to remove iron body from within.

Boopers are a near constant threat, requiring mudshields or a Radiant Tooth of Thoth to evade. Any players who become Booped must save or suffer maddening giggles for a week.

Four days into the journey, the Supreme Red Death manifests itself as painful boils that spread across eyes and legs, causing Incapacitating Itchiness in anyone without an additional head or extra set of legs (Jombi-Womblies excluded). Mummified hamster dust taken orally is the only available local cure.

Halfway between Mount Goggles and the Vale of Opal Spiders is the Tower of 10,000 Wails, the home of Pruno the Spellbound Pimp, a personal advisor to King Comma and the keeper of his harem of Sea Girls. Passage can be bartered for with a jaunty song and an orange sock (left only; right offends).

SLEEPING WRATH OF THE GOLDEN BOOZA

Arrival at the Monstrous Particle should occur within two cycles. The Golden Booza is well guarded by an army of six-hundred and sixty-six Pheromone Yeomen, each of which is capable of using the Ritual of Silver Tea to conjure Reeking Oil Golems. Deep within the second mind of the Booza is the True Reality of the Natural Universe (save or Morphed to stardust). Beneath a large iron boudoir is a satin bag containing a Proton Accelerator Prototype.

If the Booza is awakened, the universe is utterly destroyed. Five minutes after the players leave the area, the Spaceman of Alcatraz will teleport here from his orbiting Gyro-Zeppelin and slay any remaining Yeomen.

GLASSY HEART OF RONIN-FOUR

Ronin-Four unfurls as the party draws near. A Pop-and-Locktopus immediately attacks with its tentacles of phat rhythm, forcing a save vs. sick beats or suffer 1d4 rounds of Boogie. The comet can be approached only by those wearing crimson on their cloaks, or by those who posses the captured soul of a Monkey God.

1) Mad Nests of Mad Madness
A buzzing hive of Insanity Beetles, under the control of Ringmaster Mandible. Takes six rounds of damage to force a reveal of its corporeal body, and a further five round to reveal the mind within. Takes half damage from all sources, but will wither at the mere touch of a virgin.

2) Upside-Up
This room is perceived as being upside-down, but a successful Sight check reveals that it is actually right-side up. Gravity affected accordingly. Baby Pangolins on the ceiling are friendly towards protoplasmic entities, but will attack all exposed manflesh within reach. Can be bribed with cheesy bites and kind words.

3) Statue
Statue of feral horseman opens the mind's eye of those who perceive it to the Road of Galactic Conquest. Lotus-Dog Ghosts emerge from the belly to speak to players in the lost language of the Harlequins; negative responses earn respect, while confusion leads to attack. Pulling the tail releases a silver tablet of designs worth triple to a Shangri Astronomer - Buublek of Vat-Vat is the closest such buyer.

4) Ice Bombs of the Apocalypse
Ice Bombs are set to detonate in exactly one cycle after the party arrives. When timer expires, all players present are thrown into the fifth dimension; save vs. the incomprehensible or Lose 2 Vectors and suffer from Existential Nausea. Can be disabled with a swift kick.

5) Rotten Core
The Boot of Woe can crush the rotten core of Ronin-Four, though doing so does not change anything - the fate of the universe does not hinge on such binary actions. Award partial experience.