LAND OF THE GREEN ASSHOLES - An unspecified level adventure using the L.O.S.E.R. system.
Ok douchebags, listen the shit up! You know you're going to love the fuck out of this shit because my tone is so conversational and I'm swearing a lot. That's because I'm a game designer who's mad-fucking-tight with modern gamers. All of them! I know what you want, so suck it down and beg for more!
"Oh but, I don't know what level to start with or any sort of context or anything, Mr. Author" - yeah, well fuck off. If you can't figure basic shit out on your own, you don't deserve to play my game. Sure, I could put in a single sentence to help you, but fuck that, this bitch is streamlined and innovative! No room for extraneous crap like how to start or what to do. You bitches want single sentence descriptions and ideas to expand on yourselves, so here the fuck you go! ThIs ShIt Is MoRe ArT tHaN gAmE, So LuV iT! I hOpE yOu CaN rEaD AnNoYiNg HaNdWrItTeN fOnTs!
Land of the Green Assholes is intended for [missing] level characters, using the L.O.S.E.R. (Lonliness of Some Esoteric Rigmarole) system. That's shit's sold separately though... despite my insistence of making things super easy for gamers, you're still going to need to shell out, like, fifty bucks for my weird rip-off-but-not-quite-rip-off system of normal RPG systems. Also I hope to fuck you've been following my blog since Day 1, because this shit is a bit whack without the inside details.
GREENOPOLIOLI
This is the starting city. Or maybe it's the dungeon. I don't know, that shit is probably written on the actual picture of the thing somewhere in there. Use your fucking eyes, I'm not doing everything for you. Jesus! I guess you start at the bottom somewhere. Let's call it Area 1... actually fuck that, "Area 1" takes up too much space and is lame, we're going to call it by a descriptive name instead, so you know exactly what's in there just by looking at it. No page flipping for you! "Greasy Mudge-Pudge Gabaloo" - there, that's a much more intuitive name. Start this bitch there. Obviously you can tell just by the name that there's going to be Mudges and Pudges in there. You're fucking welcome.
1) The Halls of Miserly Fuckbuckets
Yeah these guys suck. Here's a table to tell you how to use them, but no real context on why, when, or where. But look, a table! So user friendly!
Roll Result
1 Dude's got one eye, and holds a tentacle key (good luck figuring that shit out)
2 Lady Atherton wants her binoculars back (fuck knows where they are)
3 Fizz McDizz speaks only in riddles (what riddles? your problem, not mine)
4 Iron Poobah is king shit up in here! (do not pass Go, do not collect $200)
5 A snurgman is fighting a peeful (you bought those $40 manuals too, right?)
6 Captain Iron-leg wants his copper hand (what a twist! I'm so smart!)
2) Dog Pits of Stink
There's dogs here and they stink. Pay me.
3) Highwayman Crossing
Exactly as I said. Aren't these abbreviated entries so much faster for you to run?
4) Mister Magoo's Glasses Store
Ha, remember Mister Magoo? He couldn't see shit! Hope your players get the reference, or this game's going to suuuuuuck...
5) Bat Country
This is a reference to Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas, a really edgy awesome movie. That's about it.
6) The Table Room of Tables
Ok, so you roll on this table, but get this - that shit has three fucking columns! Yeah, I'm kind of an innovator in the industry...
1 Jerry Jones Pineapple Crush
2 A pair of cannons Huge, perky breasts
3 King of spades Mufoj- *unintelligible*
4 Gopher Trace A crown, but the gemstones are alive!
5 Extra-dimensional baby Maertimplukism (?)
6 Sea Urchin Salad Alice in Funderland
THE GREEN LAND OF TOTAL BUNGHOLES
The people here are all insane. All of them. It's kinda unique that way. I mean, insanity is never used in the mainstream game market (yuck), so these guys are totally new and exciting! I hope you brought your rubber boots, because we're about to wade into it!
First, determine what kind of Asshole you will run into (not really sure why or when, but just do it ffs!): Green, Bloodface, Pimpledick, Charlemagne.
Green - These are real assholes. They lie on their back and shout profanity all day. It's a real challenge to listen to them, I guess, so award EXP if players successfully defeat them. (they have the following stats: attack = 3, protection = 2, overly simplified stat = 1, weird-ass saving throw against rain = 2).
Bloodface - These guys are super nice but look like they're not, so players might attack them. That's cool, they like it. Hurt them more. Also they crawl instead of walk, because they're just so alien! Fuck yeah! Simple interaction mechanics FTW! (they have the following stats: attack = 1/5, ugliness = x+y3, sex appeal = 2d4, game-specific save against sonic weapons = upsilon).
Pimpledick - They prowl the doom-alleys of Burgoff (duh! look it up!) and they eat penises on days that start with "T". Six stone coffins follow them everywhere, whatever that involves/implies. Can be killed with sulphur, because old-timey alchemy is edgy! (they have the following stats: weapons = g, thuggery = yes, favourite food = salmon, no saves because they're bitches = totally rad).
Charlemagne - Resembles so old French ponce. Insists he doesn't belong in this universe (he's right! alternate universes bitch!). If attacked, he surrenders immediately. (they have the following stats: baguette = bread, weapon = cannon, frills = epaulettes, saves well against eating snails = French guy).
Second, go adventure or something. Fuck, so much hand-holding! Just admire some next-level art that you know is good because it doesn't look "normal". Yeah, fuck the real publishers! I wrote this shit on a napkin using a typewriter... it was rough, but fucking worth it!
NEW MORTAL ENEMIES OF ULTIMATE BATTLE
Dougenstein (pictured) - Monster that resembles an old roommate of mine, but he's like green and shit. He eats your shit from the fridge and doesn't pay rent on time. Weak to a swift punch to the abdomen.
Skanky Witch - She's got crazy huge boobs and mad sex appeal, but she also casts spells and shit. Real easy to beat, just slip some Plan B up in her morning OJ and you're all good. Otherwise she gives birth to a baby that eats your face in dreams until your eyes explode. Then the world dies as a new era of hellish baby abominations conquers everything (party loses).
Centipede-With-Human-Head - Freaky shit. Got a zillion fucking legs on that bitch!
Aribostophos - A living urn of ash from cremated serial killers, that manifests in the night in order to collect the severed tongues of street urchins so that it can make an army of tiny skin golems that eat puppies. Real fucking brutal shit you won't see in the lame-stream RPG community!
Cheshire Cat - This totally unique creation I invented; it's a cat that's like invisible, but you can only see it's smile. It follows you around, taunting you but also being kinda helpful in this topsy-turvey world. Definitely kooky stuff that you won't find anywhere else! No, you don't need to Google it. I'm a creative genius.
WRAPPING UP
Oh shit, I forgot to put an objective in here! Ah, you're a creative guy, you'll figure something out! Make them kill "The Green Asshole Mega-King" or some shit. Award EXP as if the party did something of merit in some other, more sensible version of your favourite RPG. Also throw some gold their way... no wait, not gold... fucking tungsten! That'll blow their fucking minds, yeah?!
