EOTIP Adventure: ALL LIFE IS SHIT

ALL LIFE IS SHIT - A mid-level effort in futility using the S.A.D. system.

I'd welcome you to the world, but then you'd think somebody cares you're here. You'll start to believe your actions can make a change, and that you are the master of your own destiny - Don't delude yourself. Everything ever done by anyone is meaningless; why would you assume this adventure is any different? Because you are a moron, that's why.

Presumably you'll need to reference your starting point, so the best I can offer is by saying that this adventure takes place in your home, right now, inside the depths of your psyche. It's cold, it's dark, and it's not worth considering. Pay no further mind to the man behind the curtain; it's not like he wants your attention anyway.

ALL LIFE IS SHIT is intended for mid-level characters using the S.A.D. (System Agnostic, Dumbass!) rules system. Though in all honesty, rules are just someone else's attempt to force conformity, so you should be taking a light hand in their actual usage during play. Or don't. Not my problem. Also, experience levels are not awarded during this adventure, since hollow, theoretical accomplishment is not something that deserves an imaginary trophy.

VIGNETTE #1 - IT ALWAYS RAINS AT A FUNERAL

The suns finally sets over the coffin of your father as it is slowly lowered into the ground. The sombre faces of  those whom have crossed paths with the man rings the periphery of his grave, though there are few signs of actual misery amongst the crowd. Notably absent are those who couldn't be bothered to take the time off work, or to slip the bonds of prior, more cheerful commitments. The priest offers hollow consolations concerning a purported afterlife that may or may not actually exist. As the coffin rests atop its final bed of packed earth, a cool shower drops from grey clouds above; apparently your grief isn't enough of a trouble during these hard times.

Save vs. crushing grief, otherwise weep mournfully for the next 2d6 rounds. Failing the save by 10 or more causes a compulsion to throw oneself atop the coffin screaming "WHY GOD, WHY?!". Passing the save still results in grief, though it is not visible outwardly, causing your mother to worry about bottled-up feelings that inevitably results in her sending you to therapy 1d4 weeks from now.

If players attempt to console Aunt Joan, then one of two outcomes may take place:

1) On a successful Consolation check, she reveals that she and your father carried on a sordid affair six years ago, and that she cannot bear to face your mother as a result. Roll a save against startling realization or develop Trust Issues permanently.

2) On a failed Consolation check, Aunt Joan will return to her empty apartment and attempt to meet someone through an online matchmaking service. In 1d4 weeks, she will be murdered by a man posing as a potential suitor in a serial home-invasion scheme.

If players interact with Estranged Brother Rick, they will learn of his intentions to begin legal action against your father's estate for full ownership of the family summer cottage. A successful Knowledge (Legal) check allows players to reduce the ensuing court battle by 2 weeks, but cannot result in a verdict deliberated in their favour. Save vs. overwhelming stress or succumb to the effects of Rampant Alcoholism.

VIGNETTE #2 - CLOWNS ARE HORRIBLE PEOPLE

The audience laughter from behind the bigtop curtain can't drown out the fretful beating of your own heart as it pumps violently in fear. The man in pale make-up slowly removes his hands from down the front of your pants - "Yeah, you're a BIG boy, ain't you kid?" he says, gritting his teeth in sexual ecstasy. All around you is a shroud of darkness as you wonder where your father could possibly have gone to, and the screams of desperate prayer fill your mind as you silently plead for his immediate return. The man in make-up slowly rubs your back as the sweat beads up from beneath his cheerful red wig. "Ain't nobody gonna find you here, kid. You rat me out, and I'll come into your parent's house at night and slit their throats in their sleep...".

The clown leaves at the first sign of potential intrusion, awkwardly tweaking your nose and giving you a cruel wink as he does. Your father finds you crying 2d4 rounds later, and insists that you not wander off like that again. The journey home takes 2 hours, and is filled with your father's concern that you may not have enjoyed yourself at the circus, though he assures you that he "not mad at you for getting lost".

Players must make a save vs. shattered childhood. Those who fail permanently suffer the effects of Repression, requiring a new save each day or be forced to roll for a suicide attempt. Those who pass their save can admit what transpired directly to their father, at which point one of four outcomes will occur (roll 1d4):

1) Your father will angrily return to the circus to confront the clown directly, forcing you to come along so you can point him out. The ensuing argument will turn violent, leading to a charge of second degree murder for your father, and enrolment into a foster home program after your grief-stricken mother kills herself. 2d10 years of therapy required, culminating in the publication of a tell-all novel that sells rather poorly.

2) Your father will tearfully repress your confession, assuring you that "you're a good boy" and that "it's not your fault, kiddo". He will suffer the effects of Parental Guilt so long as your are within range. The effects end when he seeks comfort in the arms of your Aunt Joan.

3) Your father will pursue legal action against the circus and the clown responsible. The clown will be added to The List Of Sexual Offenders, but will otherwise be free to travel the world. He may be used as a recurring villain and/or traumatic nightmare. The circus will counter-sue your father for defamation and slander damages; the resulting legal battle will drive your family to Bankruptcy in 2d6 years.

4) Your father will bring the allegations to the attention of your mother, who's lingering depression will manifest into an aggressive relationship dynamic with your father. When they divorce, there is a 75% chance that either party will directly lay the blame on you. Save vs. psychological scarring or suffer the permanent effects of Substance Abuse.

No matter the outcome, players will be forced to endure a lifetime of Unhealthy Sexual Habits, 1d4 Unresolved Authority Figure Issues, and develop a crippling Phobia Of Clowns. Roll 3d6 each day, and subtract the amount from your total overall life joy and fulfilment score.

VIGNETTE #3 - EVERYTHING YOU DO IS POINTLESS

The dim flicker of fluorescent lighting hums softly overhead from the unpainted ceiling in your home office/extra storage room. Scorn visibly crosses your face as you once again check your e-mail for new work orders and find it lacking. The stack of bills on your desk grows with each passing day. From the living room downstairs, the wife you're no longer physically attracted to shrieks at you for yet another chore left unfinished. Your mind begins to wander as you imagine a life where you didn't drop out of college, and perhaps mustered up the courage to actually speak to the gorgeous blonde who served you at the coffee shop you used to frequent. A dull, spreading pain in your chest gently brings you back to reality - Again, you resolve not to see a doctor about it as you shoot a casual glance once more at the mountain of accrued debt resting in front of you, mocking your life accomplishments.

Immediately save vs existential crisis. Success means summoning the strength to make it through one more day of banality; failure incurs the beginnings of a Mid-Life Crisis (see below).

Mid-Life Crisis (roll 1d10 each day; on a 1 you are compelled to empty what little remains in your savings account and skip town).

Each day under the effects of Mid-Life Crisis, roll a percentile die:

1-75 - Stay on the couch of Allan, your only remaining friend. Suffer his daily insistence that you return home and get your life together. He will be Alienated after 1d4 weeks of such occurrences, forcing you to re-roll should this option come up on your next Mid-Life Crisis daily check.

76-85 - Spend a day pondering the futility of everything you do. Wonder if it would inject more excitement into your life if you tried to rob a bank. Realize that you are too cowardly to attempt such an act. Save vs. painful truth (never amounting to anything of consequence) or begin sobbing uncontrollably for next 1d4 hours.

86-95 - Spend 4d20 dollars of remaining savings on illicit substances. Save vs. bad trip; failure results in damage equal to one half your remaining hitpoints (death if substances cost is less than 10 dollars). Succeeding in a save causes your character to nitpick over every detail of their past until they become Mentally Numb. 10% chance per day of developing a Drug Habit.

96-99 - Lock self in public toilet stall and hold loaded gun in mouth for 2d4 minutes. Save vs. fear of death to pull trigger, permanently killing your character.

100 - Get act together, find a high-paying job, file for a hassle-free divorce, meet your perfect woman, purchase dream house, retire at age 50. Blissfully finish lifetime unaware of your coma-fuelled dream state suffered from a blow to the head inflicted by a mugger while sleeping on a cold park bench.

CONCLUDING THE ADVENTURE

If you think this adventure ever ends, then the feelings of your shattered dreams for resolution are worth 50 completely arbitrary and totally inconsequential Experience Points. Like the endless ordeals of Sisyphus, the crushing grind of reality will never cease.