EOTIP Adventure: LAND OF THE GREEN ASSHOLES

LAND OF THE GREEN ASSHOLES - An unspecified level adventure using the L.O.S.E.R. system.

Ok douchebags, listen the shit up! You know you're going to love the fuck out of this shit because my tone is so conversational and I'm swearing a lot. That's because I'm a game designer who's mad-fucking-tight with modern gamers. All of them! I know what you want, so suck it down and beg for more!

"Oh but, I don't know what level to start with or any sort of context or anything, Mr. Author" - yeah, well fuck off. If you can't figure basic shit out on your own, you don't deserve to play my game. Sure, I could put in a single sentence to help you, but fuck that, this bitch is streamlined and innovative! No room for extraneous crap like how to start or what to do. You bitches want single sentence descriptions and ideas to expand on yourselves, so here the fuck you go! ThIs ShIt Is MoRe ArT tHaN gAmE, So LuV iT! I hOpE yOu CaN rEaD AnNoYiNg HaNdWrItTeN fOnTs!

Land of the Green Assholes is intended for [missing] level characters, using the L.O.S.E.R. (Lonliness of Some Esoteric Rigmarole) system. That's shit's sold separately though... despite my insistence of making things super easy for gamers, you're still going to need to shell out, like, fifty bucks for my weird rip-off-but-not-quite-rip-off system of normal RPG systems. Also I hope to fuck you've been following my blog since Day 1, because this shit is a bit whack without the inside details.

GREENOPOLIOLI

This is the starting city. Or maybe it's the dungeon. I don't know, that shit is probably written on the actual picture of the thing somewhere in there. Use your fucking eyes, I'm not doing everything for you. Jesus! I guess you start at the bottom somewhere. Let's call it Area 1... actually fuck that, "Area 1" takes up too much space and is lame, we're going to call it by a descriptive name instead, so you know exactly what's in there just by looking at it. No page flipping for you! "Greasy Mudge-Pudge Gabaloo" - there, that's a much more intuitive name. Start this bitch there. Obviously you can tell just by the name that there's going to be Mudges and Pudges in there. You're fucking welcome.

1) The Halls of Miserly Fuckbuckets

Yeah these guys suck. Here's a table to tell you how to use them, but no real context on why, when, or where. But look, a table! So user friendly!

Roll                Result

1                     Dude's got one eye, and holds a tentacle key (good luck figuring that shit out)

2                     Lady Atherton wants her binoculars back (fuck knows where they are)

3                     Fizz McDizz speaks only in riddles (what riddles? your problem, not mine)

4                     Iron Poobah is king shit up in here! (do not pass Go, do not collect $200)

5                     A snurgman is fighting a peeful (you bought those $40 manuals too, right?)

6                     Captain Iron-leg wants his copper hand (what a twist! I'm so smart!)

2) Dog Pits of Stink

There's dogs here and they stink. Pay me.

3) Highwayman Crossing

Exactly as I said. Aren't these abbreviated entries so much faster for you to run?

4) Mister Magoo's Glasses Store

Ha, remember Mister Magoo? He couldn't see shit! Hope your players get the reference, or this game's going to suuuuuuck...

5) Bat Country

This is a reference to Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas, a really edgy awesome movie. That's about it.

6) The Table Room of Tables

Ok, so you roll on this table, but get this - that shit has three fucking columns! Yeah, I'm kind of an innovator in the industry...

Roll                Result1                                       Result2
1                     Jerry Jones                                  Pineapple Crush
2                     A pair of cannons                        Huge, perky breasts
3                     King of spades                            Mufoj- *unintelligible*
4                     Gopher Trace                              A crown, but the gemstones are alive!
5                     Extra-dimensional baby              Maertimplukism (?)
6                     Sea Urchin Salad                        Alice in Funderland

THE GREEN LAND OF TOTAL BUNGHOLES

The people here are all insane. All of them. It's kinda unique that way. I mean, insanity is never used in the mainstream game market (yuck), so these guys are totally new and exciting! I hope you brought your rubber boots, because we're about to wade into it!

First, determine what kind of Asshole you will run into (not really sure why or when, but just do it ffs!): Green, Bloodface, Pimpledick, Charlemagne.

Green - These are real assholes. They lie on their back and shout profanity all day. It's a real challenge to listen to them, I guess, so award EXP if players successfully defeat them. (they have the following stats: attack = 3, protection = 2, overly simplified stat = 1, weird-ass saving throw against rain = 2).

Bloodface - These guys are super nice but look like they're not, so players might attack them. That's cool, they like it. Hurt them more. Also they crawl instead of walk, because they're just so alien! Fuck yeah! Simple interaction mechanics FTW! (they have the following stats: attack = 1/5, ugliness = x+y3, sex appeal = 2d4, game-specific save against sonic weapons = upsilon).

Pimpledick - They prowl the doom-alleys of Burgoff (duh! look it up!) and they eat penises on days that start with "T". Six stone coffins follow them everywhere, whatever that involves/implies. Can be killed with sulphur, because old-timey alchemy is edgy! (they have the following stats: weapons = g, thuggery = yes, favourite food = salmon, no saves because they're bitches = totally rad).

Charlemagne - Resembles so old French ponce. Insists he doesn't belong in this universe (he's right! alternate universes bitch!). If attacked, he surrenders immediately. (they have the following stats: baguette = bread, weapon = cannon, frills = epaulettes, saves well against eating snails = French guy).

Second, go adventure or something. Fuck, so much hand-holding! Just admire some next-level art that you know is good because it doesn't look "normal". Yeah, fuck the real publishers! I wrote this shit on a napkin using a typewriter... it was rough, but fucking worth it!

NEW MORTAL ENEMIES OF ULTIMATE BATTLE

Dougenstein (pictured) - Monster that resembles an old roommate of mine, but he's like green and shit. He eats your shit from the fridge and doesn't pay rent on time. Weak to a swift punch to the abdomen.

Skanky Witch - She's got crazy huge boobs and mad sex appeal, but she also casts spells and shit. Real easy to beat, just slip some Plan B up in her morning OJ and you're all good. Otherwise she gives birth to a baby that eats your face in dreams until your eyes explode. Then the world dies as a new era of hellish baby abominations conquers everything (party loses).

Centipede-With-Human-Head - Freaky shit. Got a zillion fucking legs on that bitch!

Aribostophos - A living urn of ash from cremated serial killers, that manifests in the night in order to collect the severed tongues of street urchins so that it can make an army of tiny skin golems that eat puppies. Real fucking brutal shit you won't see in the lame-stream RPG community!

Cheshire Cat - This totally unique creation I invented; it's a cat that's like invisible, but you can only see it's smile. It follows you around, taunting you but also being kinda helpful in this topsy-turvey world. Definitely kooky stuff that you won't find anywhere else! No, you don't need to Google it. I'm a creative genius.

WRAPPING UP

Oh shit, I forgot to put an objective in here! Ah, you're a creative guy, you'll figure something out! Make them kill "The Green Asshole Mega-King" or some shit. Award EXP as if the party did something of merit in some other, more sensible version of your favourite RPG. Also throw some gold their way... no wait, not gold... fucking tungsten! That'll blow their fucking minds, yeah?!

EOTIP Adventure: NOUN PREPOSITION ADJECTIVE NOUN

NOUN PREPOSITION ADJECTIVE NOUN - A low-level adventure using the W.T.F. system.

Welcome travellers to Wizguardionerra, land of high adventure! Many terrible beasts and fantastic mysteries await you inside the dreaded Noun Preposition Adjective Noun: Gold! Jewels! Dagger +1! Peer past the ferocious guardians of this lonesome landmark to find a world of untold riches, never before seen by the eyes of mortal men! Do you have the strength, the intellect, the... charisma... to brave the foes and dastardly puzzles within? Only the boldest will return with the tales of high adventure!

NOUN PREPOSITION ADJECTIVE NOUN is designed for low-level players using the advanced version of the W.T.F. (Wizards, Thieves & Fighters) rules system. Experience Points in W.T.F. are earned on a gold piece conversion system at a 1-to-1 ratio, which means this unreasonably tiny dungeon will hold enough gold to feed an entire continent for a decade, or rather, advance a Fighter to level 3. Many of the encounter areas in the NOUN are unlabelled and intended to be rolled on the random tables provided; this is to encourage a flexible game play experience by ensuring each adventure in NOUN PREPOSITION ADJECTIVE NOUN is unique (and also super inexpensive to write).

VILLAGE RUMOURS (1d4)

1 - "Did you notice that NOUN only a few yards outside the village? I wonder if that's where the fabled lost treasure is."

2 - "I heard there's a lost treasure in the NOUN just past the old mill. I haven't bothered to check into it though because I'm just a crummy NPC villager, and don't actually DO anything."

3 - "Though there are rumours of gold riches enough to feed millions of citizens in the NOUN, I don't expect anyone will want to investigate, even though the kingdom has an entire army of soldiers at it's disposal. There might be orks in there! Orks!"

4 - "Even though the NOUN is the only location within a hundred miles that might be conceivably large and mysterious enough to be hiding the fabled lost treasure, and even though the village has stood under the shadow of the NOUN for the last seven centuries, nobody knows where the lost treasure could possibly be hidden."

THE NOUN

RANDOM ENCOUNTERS (roll 1d10 each hour, or when entering an unlabelled room):

1 - 2d6 Orks

2 - 2d6+1 Orks

3 - 1d4 Skeletons

4 - 1d6 Ork Skeletons

5 - 1 Black Pudding

6 - 1 Mustard Jelly

7 - 1 Peach Marmalade

8 - 1d6 Orks + 1d4 More Orks

9 - 1d1-1 Owlbear

10 - 1d2 Bearowl

AREAS

Area 1 - Entry

Three Ginormous Spiders  nest here, guarding 5gp. Webs above can be burned, revealing orks. The door to the South is trapped with poison darts - Save vs. Staffs & Wands for some reason or suffer 2d6 poison damage.

Area 2 - Guard Room

Seventeen orks are crammed into this 10'x15' room somehow. They are guarding against intruders, even though they are locked in a dungeon with no food to eat in an out-of-the-way room, and have no way of knowing if intruders are entering the dungeon since they keep the door closed. They attack immediately.

Area 3 - Dragon Den

Even though this is a low-level beginner adventure, a colossal ancient red dragon guards this room. If the party attempts to speak with the dragon, he attacks. If the party attempts to avoid the dragon, he attacks. If the party is outside the NOUN and confined to the safety of the village, he attacks. He breathes fire - Save vs. Falling, somehow, or suffer 3d20 fire damage. His treasure consists of 4,000gp and a shield +1.

Area 4 - Zombie Room

This incorrectly-titled  room actually contains eight orks. The door to the East is trapped with a spell of petrification - Save vs. Indigestion (now we're just making stuff up) or be turned to stone permanently. Inside an old sock within a hollow nook behind a brick beneath and old panting locked inside a safe is 60,000gp, 155,600sp, 1.7Mil.cp, and an emerald worth 50gp.

Area 5 - Trap Room

Players who enter, look at, speak about, or even posit the existence of this room are killed instantly. No save.

RANDOM ADDITIONAL ROOMS (roll 1d8 to determine shape and size of any additional rooms needed):

1 - Square (10'x10')

2 - Inverted Square (10'x10')

3 - Diamond (10'x10')

4 - Triangle (15'x20')

5 - Circle (π10'²)

6 - Rhombitruncated icosidodecahedron (15')

7 - Rectangle (15'x25')

8 - Some kind of blob shape, like a cave or something that kinda looks like a lumpy peanut (???)

CONCLUDING THE ADVENTURE

Worthy adventurers who fearlessly navigate the NOUN PREPOSITION ADJECTIVE NOUN are rewarded 50gp by the grateful villagers. Players looking to trade gold pieces for Experience Points will have a difficult time, as the massive injection of thousands of gp worth of liquid capital into a primarily agrarian feudal economy grossly devalues the local currency and destabilizes the national value of gold - such diminishing returns will entitle the party to 50 Experience Points.

EOTIP Adventure: ALL LIFE IS SHIT

ALL LIFE IS SHIT - A mid-level effort in futility using the S.A.D. system.

I'd welcome you to the world, but then you'd think somebody cares you're here. You'll start to believe your actions can make a change, and that you are the master of your own destiny - Don't delude yourself. Everything ever done by anyone is meaningless; why would you assume this adventure is any different? Because you are a moron, that's why.

Presumably you'll need to reference your starting point, so the best I can offer is by saying that this adventure takes place in your home, right now, inside the depths of your psyche. It's cold, it's dark, and it's not worth considering. Pay no further mind to the man behind the curtain; it's not like he wants your attention anyway.

ALL LIFE IS SHIT is intended for mid-level characters using the S.A.D. (System Agnostic, Dumbass!) rules system. Though in all honesty, rules are just someone else's attempt to force conformity, so you should be taking a light hand in their actual usage during play. Or don't. Not my problem. Also, experience levels are not awarded during this adventure, since hollow, theoretical accomplishment is not something that deserves an imaginary trophy.

VIGNETTE #1 - IT ALWAYS RAINS AT A FUNERAL

The suns finally sets over the coffin of your father as it is slowly lowered into the ground. The sombre faces of  those whom have crossed paths with the man rings the periphery of his grave, though there are few signs of actual misery amongst the crowd. Notably absent are those who couldn't be bothered to take the time off work, or to slip the bonds of prior, more cheerful commitments. The priest offers hollow consolations concerning a purported afterlife that may or may not actually exist. As the coffin rests atop its final bed of packed earth, a cool shower drops from grey clouds above; apparently your grief isn't enough of a trouble during these hard times.

Save vs. crushing grief, otherwise weep mournfully for the next 2d6 rounds. Failing the save by 10 or more causes a compulsion to throw oneself atop the coffin screaming "WHY GOD, WHY?!". Passing the save still results in grief, though it is not visible outwardly, causing your mother to worry about bottled-up feelings that inevitably results in her sending you to therapy 1d4 weeks from now.

If players attempt to console Aunt Joan, then one of two outcomes may take place:

1) On a successful Consolation check, she reveals that she and your father carried on a sordid affair six years ago, and that she cannot bear to face your mother as a result. Roll a save against startling realization or develop Trust Issues permanently.

2) On a failed Consolation check, Aunt Joan will return to her empty apartment and attempt to meet someone through an online matchmaking service. In 1d4 weeks, she will be murdered by a man posing as a potential suitor in a serial home-invasion scheme.

If players interact with Estranged Brother Rick, they will learn of his intentions to begin legal action against your father's estate for full ownership of the family summer cottage. A successful Knowledge (Legal) check allows players to reduce the ensuing court battle by 2 weeks, but cannot result in a verdict deliberated in their favour. Save vs. overwhelming stress or succumb to the effects of Rampant Alcoholism.

VIGNETTE #2 - CLOWNS ARE HORRIBLE PEOPLE

The audience laughter from behind the bigtop curtain can't drown out the fretful beating of your own heart as it pumps violently in fear. The man in pale make-up slowly removes his hands from down the front of your pants - "Yeah, you're a BIG boy, ain't you kid?" he says, gritting his teeth in sexual ecstasy. All around you is a shroud of darkness as you wonder where your father could possibly have gone to, and the screams of desperate prayer fill your mind as you silently plead for his immediate return. The man in make-up slowly rubs your back as the sweat beads up from beneath his cheerful red wig. "Ain't nobody gonna find you here, kid. You rat me out, and I'll come into your parent's house at night and slit their throats in their sleep...".

The clown leaves at the first sign of potential intrusion, awkwardly tweaking your nose and giving you a cruel wink as he does. Your father finds you crying 2d4 rounds later, and insists that you not wander off like that again. The journey home takes 2 hours, and is filled with your father's concern that you may not have enjoyed yourself at the circus, though he assures you that he "not mad at you for getting lost".

Players must make a save vs. shattered childhood. Those who fail permanently suffer the effects of Repression, requiring a new save each day or be forced to roll for a suicide attempt. Those who pass their save can admit what transpired directly to their father, at which point one of four outcomes will occur (roll 1d4):

1) Your father will angrily return to the circus to confront the clown directly, forcing you to come along so you can point him out. The ensuing argument will turn violent, leading to a charge of second degree murder for your father, and enrolment into a foster home program after your grief-stricken mother kills herself. 2d10 years of therapy required, culminating in the publication of a tell-all novel that sells rather poorly.

2) Your father will tearfully repress your confession, assuring you that "you're a good boy" and that "it's not your fault, kiddo". He will suffer the effects of Parental Guilt so long as your are within range. The effects end when he seeks comfort in the arms of your Aunt Joan.

3) Your father will pursue legal action against the circus and the clown responsible. The clown will be added to The List Of Sexual Offenders, but will otherwise be free to travel the world. He may be used as a recurring villain and/or traumatic nightmare. The circus will counter-sue your father for defamation and slander damages; the resulting legal battle will drive your family to Bankruptcy in 2d6 years.

4) Your father will bring the allegations to the attention of your mother, who's lingering depression will manifest into an aggressive relationship dynamic with your father. When they divorce, there is a 75% chance that either party will directly lay the blame on you. Save vs. psychological scarring or suffer the permanent effects of Substance Abuse.

No matter the outcome, players will be forced to endure a lifetime of Unhealthy Sexual Habits, 1d4 Unresolved Authority Figure Issues, and develop a crippling Phobia Of Clowns. Roll 3d6 each day, and subtract the amount from your total overall life joy and fulfilment score.

VIGNETTE #3 - EVERYTHING YOU DO IS POINTLESS

The dim flicker of fluorescent lighting hums softly overhead from the unpainted ceiling in your home office/extra storage room. Scorn visibly crosses your face as you once again check your e-mail for new work orders and find it lacking. The stack of bills on your desk grows with each passing day. From the living room downstairs, the wife you're no longer physically attracted to shrieks at you for yet another chore left unfinished. Your mind begins to wander as you imagine a life where you didn't drop out of college, and perhaps mustered up the courage to actually speak to the gorgeous blonde who served you at the coffee shop you used to frequent. A dull, spreading pain in your chest gently brings you back to reality - Again, you resolve not to see a doctor about it as you shoot a casual glance once more at the mountain of accrued debt resting in front of you, mocking your life accomplishments.

Immediately save vs existential crisis. Success means summoning the strength to make it through one more day of banality; failure incurs the beginnings of a Mid-Life Crisis (see below).

Mid-Life Crisis (roll 1d10 each day; on a 1 you are compelled to empty what little remains in your savings account and skip town).

Each day under the effects of Mid-Life Crisis, roll a percentile die:

1-75 - Stay on the couch of Allan, your only remaining friend. Suffer his daily insistence that you return home and get your life together. He will be Alienated after 1d4 weeks of such occurrences, forcing you to re-roll should this option come up on your next Mid-Life Crisis daily check.

76-85 - Spend a day pondering the futility of everything you do. Wonder if it would inject more excitement into your life if you tried to rob a bank. Realize that you are too cowardly to attempt such an act. Save vs. painful truth (never amounting to anything of consequence) or begin sobbing uncontrollably for next 1d4 hours.

86-95 - Spend 4d20 dollars of remaining savings on illicit substances. Save vs. bad trip; failure results in damage equal to one half your remaining hitpoints (death if substances cost is less than 10 dollars). Succeeding in a save causes your character to nitpick over every detail of their past until they become Mentally Numb. 10% chance per day of developing a Drug Habit.

96-99 - Lock self in public toilet stall and hold loaded gun in mouth for 2d4 minutes. Save vs. fear of death to pull trigger, permanently killing your character.

100 - Get act together, find a high-paying job, file for a hassle-free divorce, meet your perfect woman, purchase dream house, retire at age 50. Blissfully finish lifetime unaware of your coma-fuelled dream state suffered from a blow to the head inflicted by a mugger while sleeping on a cold park bench.

CONCLUDING THE ADVENTURE

If you think this adventure ever ends, then the feelings of your shattered dreams for resolution are worth 50 completely arbitrary and totally inconsequential Experience Points. Like the endless ordeals of Sisyphus, the crushing grind of reality will never cease.

EOTIP Adventure: CANOPY OF DIRTY STARS

CANOPY OF DIRTY STARS - A mid-level adventure using the P.O.O.M.A. system.

Welcome, fellow spectral conciousness, to The Blue Maw of Sparkling Awe - a multidimensional universe consisting of over six-hundred trillion planets; this adventure takes place on all of them, simultaneously.

In the lands of Shangri-La 7X through Shangri-La 5,666,200Y, a harsh reality is about to dawn on the protoplasmic civilization of the Ummak - the Great Glass Comet known as Ronin-Four is about to splashdown north of the Jellyboy Sea, and the first Shangri tribe to reach it can lay valid claim on the Racking Throne of Gruuuuuuu. You have been entrusted to find the rotten core within Ronin-Four and crush it beneath the Boot of Woe in order to ensure the Accords of Muscle and Brain are honoured for the next seven ages.

CANOPY OF DIRTY STARS is an adventure is intended for mid-level characters using the P.O.O.M.A. (Pulled Out Of My Ass) rules system. Like all actions in life measured against the grand cosmic scale, experience accumulated during this adventure is meaningless and without satisfaction.

THE VILLAGE OF YAK-YAK-ZAK

1) Front Gate
Guarded by Micro Ninja who demands payment in the form of a third dimension. Those who refuse or offend suffer 1d6 rounds of burnwhip unless offering an apology and a marriage proposal. Violet Brutes strictly turned away unless previously Absorbed by the Supreme Mind.

2) Mucky's Basement
Wrestling den catering to fighting style of the five-winds ONLY. Six shards or a single nugget of titanium required payment up front. Renegade Seemer serves watered down cane sugar juice and points patrons towards Grub, Man of Many Miles seated in the back, who happens to be looking for females to sell to the Jaguar Prince.

3) Wreck of the HMS Victory
The HMS Victory lies listed to the side here, on the eastern bank of the River of Unfathomable Joy. Shogo-Mak-Mak, the Ummak master of shadow dogs, holds the lower decks and fights off constant intrusions by the solar-powered zombies above. Cannons on the gun deck can shoot a barrage of  rainbows every 1d4 rounds.

4) Black Temple Alpha
Sentient Goo holds sermons in a dead language every hour, on the hour for the next twenty cycles. Vectorscreams and Tentacle-Walkers are the most rowdy of congregation members, though the Aaanaamis can be found mulling around in the back, their seven heads arguing amongst themselves.

5) Palace of The Grand Meow
Palace gates will only swallow those of fleet foot or stalwart spirit. Patches the Overking sits atop the Velvet Lap of Luxury, guarded by his private army of Micenstein Monsters. Decrees made daily regarding capital punishment, trade tariffs, and availability of fresh cream.

6) Stoggan's Tobaggans
Stoggan, a fresh-faced child prodigy of ten years, does not actually sell anything in his general store so much as he sizes up clients for the Colossal Butcher three towns over. Those who get too nosey in his affairs may find themselves under the watchful eyes of the Velvet Wrath.

TRAVEL TO THE JELLYBOY SEA

Journey takes 2d6 days, depending on wandering Walkers-of-Ten-Thousand-Oceans (10% chance) and frequent Incorporeal Storms (50% chance, easy save or Embarrassed for 1d4 days). Each day north of Crayfish Canyon must difficult save vs. smashing or be pounded by the Eternal Boulders of Crunched Bones; six diggers required to remove iron body from within.

Boopers are a near constant threat, requiring mudshields or a Radiant Tooth of Thoth to evade. Any players who become Booped must save or suffer maddening giggles for a week.

Four days into the journey, the Supreme Red Death manifests itself as painful boils that spread across eyes and legs, causing Incapacitating Itchiness in anyone without an additional head or extra set of legs (Jombi-Womblies excluded). Mummified hamster dust taken orally is the only available local cure.

Halfway between Mount Goggles and the Vale of Opal Spiders is the Tower of 10,000 Wails, the home of Pruno the Spellbound Pimp, a personal advisor to King Comma and the keeper of his harem of Sea Girls. Passage can be bartered for with a jaunty song and an orange sock (left only; right offends).

SLEEPING WRATH OF THE GOLDEN BOOZA

Arrival at the Monstrous Particle should occur within two cycles. The Golden Booza is well guarded by an army of six-hundred and sixty-six Pheromone Yeomen, each of which is capable of using the Ritual of Silver Tea to conjure Reeking Oil Golems. Deep within the second mind of the Booza is the True Reality of the Natural Universe (save or Morphed to stardust). Beneath a large iron boudoir is a satin bag containing a Proton Accelerator Prototype.

If the Booza is awakened, the universe is utterly destroyed. Five minutes after the players leave the area, the Spaceman of Alcatraz will teleport here from his orbiting Gyro-Zeppelin and slay any remaining Yeomen.

GLASSY HEART OF RONIN-FOUR

Ronin-Four unfurls as the party draws near. A Pop-and-Locktopus immediately attacks with its tentacles of phat rhythm, forcing a save vs. sick beats or suffer 1d4 rounds of Boogie. The comet can be approached only by those wearing crimson on their cloaks, or by those who posses the captured soul of a Monkey God.

1) Mad Nests of Mad Madness
A buzzing hive of Insanity Beetles, under the control of Ringmaster Mandible. Takes six rounds of damage to force a reveal of its corporeal body, and a further five round to reveal the mind within. Takes half damage from all sources, but will wither at the mere touch of a virgin.

2) Upside-Up
This room is perceived as being upside-down, but a successful Sight check reveals that it is actually right-side up. Gravity affected accordingly. Baby Pangolins on the ceiling are friendly towards protoplasmic entities, but will attack all exposed manflesh within reach. Can be bribed with cheesy bites and kind words.

3) Statue
Statue of feral horseman opens the mind's eye of those who perceive it to the Road of Galactic Conquest. Lotus-Dog Ghosts emerge from the belly to speak to players in the lost language of the Harlequins; negative responses earn respect, while confusion leads to attack. Pulling the tail releases a silver tablet of designs worth triple to a Shangri Astronomer - Buublek of Vat-Vat is the closest such buyer.

4) Ice Bombs of the Apocalypse
Ice Bombs are set to detonate in exactly one cycle after the party arrives. When timer expires, all players present are thrown into the fifth dimension; save vs. the incomprehensible or Lose 2 Vectors and suffer from Existential Nausea. Can be disabled with a swift kick.

5) Rotten Core
The Boot of Woe can crush the rotten core of Ronin-Four, though doing so does not change anything - the fate of the universe does not hinge on such binary actions. Award partial experience.